there’s something very sobering about death that forces introspection. my best friend lost her grandmother today. the pain and brave composure in her voice was unbearable.

oh, how we’re all growing up, i thought to myself. wait. growing up?

yes, we are entering (have entered) a phase in our lives when we finally are forced look at ourselves and each other in the reflection of death, to acknowledge our mortality. the loved ones that we’ve had to let go, both young and old, who, at one point, we’d taken for granted, assumed would always be there. the unthinkable diseases (the “c” word) that were once abstract words used by the adults, now plaguing our very own friends. and the creaking in our bones, the irreversible ticking away of our lives creeping into small, hidden corners of our bodies, harder and harder to ignore. huh, so this flesh that i’m given, it’s not eternal after all.

it’s one thing to be told that youth is fleeting when you’re a child. it’s quite another when evidence of it starts catching up with you, lingering around you, sending you a reminder every once in a while. yes, i do think that, up until very recently, i believed i was invincible. granted i was never as reckless as some of my peers as teenagers, but i definitely did not see myself in this light. i will help people with physical ailments, i thought (when i was a pre-med), but i will not worry about needing that kind of help.

by the way, is anyone else surprised by the finality of death? because i was. yes, we have an eternal hope set before us, and we will see our loved ones again someday. but, my gosh, the moment the casket is closed, it suddenly hits– this person will never be as you’ve known him before again. ever. you will not hear him nodding off and snoring in the rocking chair next to you; you will never feel his embrace the way it was, and you will not feel his sure and constant presence at the regular family gatherings the same way. ever again.

but it’s a blessing to grow up, i think. it is good for us to realize how fragile we are. and how much we are in need of a Savior. and how eminent the kingdom of God is before us. sometimes i’m scared, but a lot of the times, i really can’t wait.

“come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” -matthew 11:28

i’ve been plugged into an urban church for almost a year now, and i love it. i love the passionate way the congregation worships, the unreserved love the elders pour out on young adults, the intimate women’s bible studies, and even the chaos that is children’s sunday school. and i’d say that i’m pretty involved in my church. although i should be a lot farther along at this point, i’m still slowly inching my way into this lovely circle. despite all this, there’s a void that i did not realize i felt until a couple of days ago, when keith and i finally caught each other on gchat. he asked a very distantly familiar question:

“how are you doing with God?”

it really shook me, because i realized that this is what i’m missing in my life with other christians. even old friends from case. we catch up on life, what we’re busy with, what our plans are… but when was the last time i slowed down to ask someone how they were doing with God…? it is such an integral part of our fellowship with each other, knowing how each other’s walks with God is at the moment, yet it’s so subtle that you almost don’t notice it when it slips away from your life… definitely convicted to seek out this aspect of fellowship both with my church and my believing friends..

so i started using pinterest.com, and it’s consuming my life! i happened upon this marvelous creation, and it really grabbed my attention:

the artist’s name is peter callesen, he does some really breath-taking paper sculptures, most of them out of A4 paper. i was exploring his portfolio, and started to see some christian themes within his artwork…

the fall

the sacrifice of Christ

the empty tomb

matthew 27:51

bound to be free

i dunno. maybe i’m taking some liberty in my interpretation of his work, but it really inspired me. i love it when artists take the talents God gives them for His glory. praise God for creative minds!

my family was preparing a slideshow for my grandfather’s memorial service, and my uncle brought out my grandfather’s bible for my brother to photograph… right?! my grandfather has a bible?! okay, it’s technically a new testament-psalm-& proverb bible. but it’s God’s word! and inside the cover, he wrote this:

“in this life, although my flesh is in pain, but in my heart i have joy! because the Lord is with me! the precious blood of Christ! it washed me of my sins, and He lives in my heart. God grant me wisdom, courage, and conviction to overcome all hardships to finish all He has planned for me.”

i knew my grandfather was a “christian,” but i only heard it from the rest of the family (and not that often). the only time i’ve heard him refer to his faith was to get out of visiting a mosque during our trip to malaysia. however, reading this gives me a lot of peace. i’ve spent some time flipping through the bible to see what verses he had highlighted, and it seemed like he had a good grasp of what the gospel was (i wonder what he was thinking when i tried to share the gospel with my grandma. why didn’t he say anything?). i came upon a passage he had marked, and it feels like a message from God to reassure me:

“but we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. for since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. for this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. for the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. and the dead in Christ will rise first. then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. therefore encourage one another with these words.”

i really want to keep his bible… but i can’t decide if it would be better to leave it here, in case anyone feels inspired to read through it…

looking back, grandpa always exuded a sense of calm and nonchalance. i had always attributed this quality to his super chill personality, but now i can see how it could have been a product of his faith. i cannot know it for certain, but i do believe my grandfather is with the Lord. he is in God’s hands, and i can rejoice in the fact that one day we will see each other again. praise God for His amazing grace!

i’m leaving for taiwan tomorrow morning for my grandfather’s funeral. mapping out the time points to figure out how i should sleep on the trip to minimize jet lag.. that’s probably not even possible. i’m hoping that i won’t still feel so numb about it once i get there– but i’m also more afraid of completely breaking down. i had both of my maternal grandparents the last time i left taiwan; now i’m coming back to a place that will just seem completely hollow and unfamiliar without them. please pray that my peace and comfort will be found in Christ alone. but even more than that, please pray that i can be salt and light to my family, who do not know the peace of God which surpasses all understanding.

“if we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” – 1 john 1:8-9

i am constantly being frustrated between wanting to be good and failing to do so. every time i reach a place where i feel like i’ve made something of myself, that i can finally be pleasing to God, i get humbled again. justification vs. sanctification. this is probably the hardest thing for me about christianity, grappling between the call to please God and the insufficiency of my own will. thank God for grace.

“for this is the will of God, your sanctification” (1 thes. 4:3), “and this is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will He hears us. and if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of Him” (1 john 5:14-15). sometimes it’s amazing to me that God wills for our sanctification. i don’t know why that should surprise me, but it does. amazing grace!

the man behind this powerful song, and the almighty God behind this man.

i knew a little bit about this man’s testimony, but i’ve never heard him tell it himself, in this much detail. it blows my mind how God truly reveals Himself in jaeson’s story, and the unmistakable mark of the gospel in every aspect of this man’s life. from a drug dealing gangster to an international rap star pastor. this guy’s influence in asia (at least in taiwan) is unbelievable. so thankful for jaeson’s passion for the gospel, and PRAISE GOD for what He’s doing in asia through him!!!

wow it’s already been a week! i seriously suck at updating things—there’s a bunch of pictures in my camera waiting for their debut on fb still. =P

so i visited mike this past weekend. it was lovely to have the simple alone time with him in philly– even if it was just 1.5 days (the rest was in ny with his parents)– since it doesn’t happen anymore, especially not here in cincinnati. we sat around and watched house in his air-conditioned apartment (philly was horrendously hot!); played with his new guinea pig, pepé; and attempted a nice dinner.

i have to elaborate on the guinea pig—so, mike always manages to get the dumbest animals of their species. pepé is soo stupid. after 3 weeks, he still hasn’t figured out that mike is a friend, not an enemy. he is just the most stressed out little creature i have ever seen. any movement that remotely affects him causes him to tremble and cower in the corner of the cage. if you even attempt to pet him, he starts popcorning away from you. and here is the biggest indicator of just how numb-skulled and cowardly he is: mike leaves the cage open, 24/7, and pepé has never even attempted to escape, despite how resentful he is of his current situation. compare that to mochi and the late mustardseed—always chewing and gnawing at their cages, escaping magically on multiple occasions… pepé is soooooo dumb!!! but there’s a slight vulnerability about him that makes him somewhat endearing… when i’m not feeling annoyed at his skittishness.

on friday, mike had a chemistry lab that lasted all afternoon, so i was stuck in the library for 3 hours. we had talked about making a nice, romantic dinner, so i took it upon myself to research a plausible and economic recipe for scallops, since it’s one of my favorite fancy foods, hee hee. so i scourged some of the biggest recipe websites and found the most doable and best-rated recipe, which was no easy feat. i also managed to find a super simple recipe for hollandaise by ina garten—i wanted to be adventurous. after mike got done with lab, we went to the supermarket, got everything we needed, and went back to mike’s apartment to cook. it reminded me a lot of the times we spent grocery shopping and cooking back at case, so i was really happy. i was really proud of how pretty everything was looking as we prepared: the hollandaise was looking yellow and creamy, the scallops were evenly covered with breading, and the vodka sauce for the pasta was smelling wonderful. in fact, i was so pleased that i took a bunch of pictures:

then we started to sear the scallops… and all the breading came off! mike didn’t read the instructions i had painstakingly written down, so everything was out of order. naturally, i got a little upset, since the scallops no longer looked even and pretty, but my visit was too short to stay mad at him. so i decided to forgive him. we hugged, and made a conscious decision to have a good night anyway. then mike turned off the stove while the butter was still sizzling in the pan, and said, “this can wait. i have something to give you.” i asked him what it was, and he got on one knee, took a box out of his pocket, showed me the ring, and asked me to marry him. i don’t remember if i said yes right away, or if i ever did, but i was definitely at a loss for words. it was both expected but so random that it was surprising at the same time. so i said yes, at one point or another, and we proceeded to finish our wonderful dinner that turned out to be pretty good. except for the hollandaise. that just tasted like bad, sour cheese, so we dumped it. and watched ABDC as we ate.

sorry if it’s not as dramatic as you had thought it would be. there were no flowers or rose petals, no tears (i know! i’ve always imagined that there would be!), no squeaking, maaaaybe some jumping up and down… but that’s the way it happened. and it was perfect. i am infinitely blessed =) and seriously, words cannot describe how thankful i am for all of your support and loving!! because we both still have schooling ahead of us, we’ve decided to hold off on the wedding until summer of 2013, so it still feels so surreal and far away for me. but your excitement is encouraging me to be bold in celebrating in this wonderful event. thanks guys, i love you!! =)

i don’t really like the original, but i LOVE this cover!

happy graduation to the cwru class of 2011!!! + yoon + james + wengtink <3 <3 <3

i know. it’s probably not very safe to drive and take pictures at the same time, but i just couldn’t resist!!! as i was leaving work today, it started to rain cats and dogs, but as soon as i got on the highway, the ugly gray storm turned into sunny rain!!! it was beautiful! there were rainbows dancing around me everywhere along the highway! and every time a car drove past, there would be a rainbow flickering in the water droplets.

see???

of course, nature always looks 1000x better in person, but i thought i’d share a glimpse of it =)

“I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between Me and the earth” –genesis 9:13